The Tortoise and the Hare Meet Zeno of Elea

Once upon a time, there was a tortoise and a hare.

The tortoise and the hare were neighbors, and as neighbors can be, they were competitive. In the winter, it was who had the most Christmas lights, the most impressive (and expensive) holiday display. In the summer, it was lawn mowers--speed, power, turning radius, cutting width. One time, the hare even challenged the tortoise to a race, but lost after he stopped to take a nap for so long that the tortoise passed him to the finish line.

One summer, the tortoise had just bought a new lawn mower, and he showed it off to the hare: "And the best thing about this mower is that it never needs to rest--it just keeps going until I reach the end of my lawn."

The hare had enough. He challenged the tortoise to another race. "This time," the hare said to himself, "I'm not going to make the same mistake--no naps for me. I'll beat that tortoise, and he'll never be able to hold that over me again."

The next day, the tortoise and the hare met at the end of their driveways. "Ready, set, GO!" The hare took off sprinting down the street. The tortoise put one foot in front of the other.

Three quarters of the way to the finish lane, the hare began to get winded. He slowed to a jog and looked behind him. There was no sign of the tortoise. Across the street, the hare spotted a Starbuck's coffee shop. "Perfect," he thought, "I can wait there, check my email, and when I see the tortoise pass by, I can sprint past him to the finish line. Best of all, I can drink coffee so I won't fall asleep again!"

The hare went in, order a tall latte, and checked his email. He finished the latte, and there was no sign of the tortoise. The manager approached and told him "Sir, if you've finished your beverage and you're not going to order anything else, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

So the hare order another latte, this time a grande. He checked Twitter and Perez Hilton. He finished the grande, and there was no sign of the tortoise. The manager approached and told him "Sir, if you've finished your beverage and you're not going to order anything else, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

The hare was exasperated at this point, and the caffeine was beginning to make him jittery. "Fine! Bring me the venti!" The venti arrived and the hare took a sip.

"Hi." This from the man next to him, who had been typing on a laptop and wearing a toga.

"Hi," said the hare back.

"My name is Zeno of Elea."

"Hi," said the hare again.

"I see you're having trouble with the manager."

"Look, man, it's just coffee," said the hare with shaking paw.

"Do you want to know a secret?"

"No."

Zeno returned to typing. The hare watched for the tortoise and slurped at his venti. He then realized that the entire time he had been at Starbuck's, drinking first a tall, then a grande, then a venti, this guy had only a short latte, from which he took careful, measured, sips.

"Okay," said the hare. "What's your secret?"

"First," said Zeno, "I drink half my coffee."

"Uh-huh."

"Then, I drink half of what's left."

"Okay."

"Then, I drink half of what's left from that."

"That's it?"

"That's it. I never finish the coffee, I just drink half of what's left. The manager leaves me alone."

"Huh." The hare took a practice sip, half of what was left.

"Thanks," said the hare. He then turned to the manager and held his venti aloft. "Cheers!"

For the next hour, the hare followed Zeno's prescription, drinking half of half, then half of half of half, then half of half of half of half, and so on. The manager left him alone.

Finally, the tortoise appeared, crawling slowly past on the opposite side of the street. The hare's haunches twitched, ready to pounce past him and to the finish.

The hare let the tortoise pass by before he burst out of Starbuck's, propelled by a tall, grande, and some fraction of venti. He quickly caught up to where the tortoise had been when he first sprung from the coffee shop, but at that point, the tortoise had slowly progressed a little further. The hare caught up to that point, and the tortoise had gone just a little further. Again and again the hare caught up to where the tortoise had just been, only to find the tortoise just ahead of him. He was unable to pass the tortoise to win the race.

"TORTOISE!" he shouted, shaking his paw at the sky.

The next day, the hare bought a new lawn mower.